Worry and Anxiety Related to Milestones
One of our beliefs here at Wee Talkers is that parents deserve support and tools on their parenting journey. You’re not alone in this. One thing that consistently shows up in our DM’s over on Instagram are parents feeling anxiety related to their child meeting milestones. We’ve been there, too. We have six kids between us, and several of them have received therapy for different needs.
We really want some solid tools for parents experiencing this on our blog, so we’d like to introduce you to Jasmin Abizadeh, MA, RCC. Jasmin is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors.
We really hope this helps. Take it away, Jasmin!
Milestone Anxiety
Milestone anxiety is something most parents can relate to. I know I can as a mother. As parents, we all worry to some degree. In fact, we are constantly bombarded with messages about what to worry about next. But for some this anxiety becomes unbearable, relentless, and all consuming. It steals the joy from the little moments. It robs us of sleep. It feeds the vicious and ever hungry dragon of doubt and fear.
The antidote to anxiety is not to get rid of it, but to welcome it with curiosity. By being curious and starting to track your anxiety you can learn to understand why you feel anxious, get clarity on what triggers it and maintains it, and find ways to manage it. Often, we spend much time trying to control the situation, avoid how we feel, and misinterpret our feelings. The end result is feeling stuck and increased suffering.
The next time you find yourself worrying about whether your child is able to do certain tasks; like rolling over, sitting up on their own, talking, or using a potty; try to be curious instead. Learning any one skill requires repeated exposure, practice, and repetition, as well as age appropriate readiness. Learning a new skill is made up of many steps along the way, so whether a child can do a specific skill (e.g. walking) is really more a measure of that moment in time versus the steps it takes to learn this skill.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Has there been progress over time?
- What are the mini milestones that my child needs to learn in order to work towards this
big milestone?
- How can I support these mini milestones?
- How is my child doing with other milestones that are important for this particular skill?
We mistakenly are taught to assume that development is linear and that “normal” means reaching a developmental milestone by a certain age. We have to remember that development is dynamic, milestones are variable, and age is most helpful when used as a reference to guide when we would expect certain skills by.
Normal Worry vs Anxiety
Everyone experiences anxiety at times; however, normal worry does not get in the way of how you want to live your life. There are also time periods in one’s life when anxiety may naturally fluctuate or increase and when you may be more vulnerable, including during pregnancy and after having a baby. However, when worry becomes excessive and overwhelming, interferes with functioning, and lasts for a long time you may be experiencing levels of anxiety that could benefit from treatment.
The Reproductive Mental Health Program at BC Women’s and Children’s Hospital has a helpful check-list of other ways we know that worry has become excessive:
- Interferes with daily functioning
- Takes up significant amount of time
- Associated physical symptoms (e.g. nausea, sweaty, shaky, stomach upset, racing heart,
muscle tension, etc.)
- Tend to think about the “worst case scenario”
- Worrying more than others would given similar circumstance
- No specific trigger
- Difficult to control
- Connected to reassurance seeking behaviours (e.g. searching the internet, checking, asking others, etc.)
Ways to Cope with Anxiety
Finding concrete ways to soothe anxiety is at the top of the list of goals for most of the clients I work with. Anxiety is debilitating and finding relief from it is often the driving factor for wanting to make changes. Try to commit to practicing one or more of these strategies to see if you notice any changes in how you feel. Most importantly, practice kindness and compassion towards yourself during this time; you’re learning a new skill just like your little one!
Here are some tools you can try:
Fact check your thoughts
Why: What we tell ourselves about a situation affects how we feel and what we do. Negative thinking can make us worry more than is necessary.
What is the evidence you have to support your belief?
Are there any biases in your thinking? (e.g. all or nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, should statements, catastrophizing, discounting the positives, etc.)
Focus on your breathing
Why: Controlled breathing can help our mind and body become more relaxed. Being relaxed creates the opposite response to anxiety.
Regulate your breathing by taking a deep breath in through your nose to the count of 4, pausing to the count of 4, breathing out through your mouth to the count of 4, pausing to the count of 4, and repeating.
If you get distracted and start thinking about worries, notice without judgment and try to re-focus your attention to your breath.
Use your senses to ground yourself and be more present
Why: We want to focus our attention on the present and not on the negative thoughts or worry thoughts.
333 rule: Name 3 things you see, name 3 things you hear, move 3 parts of your body.
5 senses exercise: Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel/ touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.
Schedule worry time
Why: It may sound counterintuitive, but scheduling a set time to worry can help reduce the amount of time you spend worrying about things throughout the day.
Schedule worry time into your calendar as if it were an appointment. When you become aware of your worry thoughts throughout the day, you can make a note of them to remind you of the worry thought later on. The key is to not engage in the worry thought when you become aware of it until later on. This will take practice and may feel uncomfortable at the beginning. When it is time to have your scheduled worry time, go through each worry on your list and work through it as best as you can. See how you feel about the items on the list now that it’s been some time since the worry first came up for you. After the time is up, stop looking at your list and go on to do something else.
Focus on self-care
Why: When we don’t take care of ourselves, we are more vulnerable to focus on the negative and feel worse.
Focus on areas of self-care, such as nutrition, exercise, sleep, time for self, and support.
Come up with goals to work on these areas in ways that seem realistic; is your goal 95% achievable? If not, try to re-work it so that you’re more likely to meet your goal, which will boost motivation and mood.
Get to know your anxiety
Why: Getting to know how anxiety shows up for you is important information to start identifying patterns and possible solutions to help soothe your anxiety.
Ask yourself what anxiety feels like for you. When do you notice it the most?
Where do you notice it in your body? What seems to trigger it? What seems to soothe it, if anything? Are there any particular topics that trigger more anxiety for you?
Surfing the wave
Why: Trying to resist or fight the symptoms of anxiety can make it last longer. All emotions have a natural ebb and flow just like an ocean wave.
Notice your anxiety rising, peaking, and subsiding after some time has passed.
Practice sitting with the unpleasant sensations of anxiety until they settle.
Next Steps
I am Concerned About my Child’s Development
As Wee Talkers continually brings to light, early intervention is important. Just like seeking out a professional opinion is always something I would recommend to parents if you have concerns about your child’s development. You know yourself the best and you also know your child the best. Connect with your child’s family doctor or pediatrician and talk to them about more specific guidance and resources via a referral to other specialists, such as a speech-language pathologist, etc. If you find yourself avoiding making an appointment out of fear of receiving “bad news,” is there someone who can help make the appointment and maybe even attend it with you?
Further Resources
Pacific Postpartum Support Society: https://postpartum.org/
Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/
Curious where your child is at with their communication development?
We recommend downloading our toddler talking milestones checklist to find out which skills they’ve mastered, which ones they’re working on, and which ones they may be behind on.
And of course, if you have concerns, of any kind, we always recommend talking to your pediatrician or seeing a speech-language pathologist. You won’t regret getting a head start!
Thank you for being here, Jasmin! This was so helpful.
Jasmin Abizadeh, MA, RCC, is the Founder of Geborgen Therapy & Consulting, where she specializes in reproductive/ perinatal mental health and parentless parents. Jasmin is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. She obtained a Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology from UBC. You can learn more about working with Jasmin at www.geborgentherapy.com.